The Kooky Matrix Tales!
by The Nightcrawler
Summary: Formerly; Club Hel: What Really happened, but, new chapters mean new, eqally stupid titles!
1. Club Hel: What REALLY Happened!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my dream of this stupid scenario.  
  
This is written in script format, I had to point this out for no reason at all. Please review, as this is my first story and all, all types welcome.  
  
Club Hel; what really happened.  
  
Seraph, Trinity and Morpheus do a dance through the freaks, the Merovingian spots them.  
  
Merv: Well well well, if it isn't the Brady bunch, back form the dead!  
  
Bodyguard dude:*whispers in his ear*  
  
Merv: *goes red* Hmmm, I really meant Seraph, Trinity and Morpheus. I just wanted to see if you three knew who you were.  
  
Trin: *raises eyebrow* Suuuuuuure, Merv, suuuuuure.  
  
Morph: We are not here for this nonsense!  
  
Merv: Ah Morpheus, business first, as always.  
  
Morph: Mr. Frenchy! Did you steel the cookies from the cookie jar?!  
  
Merv: Who me??!!  
  
Trin: Yes you!!  
  
Merv: Not me!!  
  
Seraph: Then who?  
  
Persephone: *Looking down her top* 'Tis a conspiracy!  
  
Merv: *completely oblivious to what is happening* Ma Cherie! Look! You have crumbs all down that ridiculously revealing tight fetish style dress! Where did they come from?!  
  
Persephone: Errrr. LOOK! Is that Coldplay?!  
  
Merv: OH MY GOD! CHRIS!!! I LOVE YOU!! AHHHHH! *starts pulling out his hair*  
  
Morpheus: *tears in his eyes* That was a dirty trick!  
  
Seraph: Huh? What happened?  
  
Trin: Okay ladies! That's enough, there is no coldplay, I repeat, there is no coldplay!  
  
Suddenly there is a weird hush, the door creaks open and about 17 Smiths walk in.  
  
Smith 1: I'm looking for Neo.  
  
Smith 12: Hey Dude! Me too! Like, we must be related or something!  
  
Smith 1: Shut up! Like I said, I'm looking.  
  
Trin: We know who you are looking for, so are we, but Mr. I-wanna-be-French here has him!  
  
Smith 12: Woah! Did you hear that Dude?! They're looking for Neo as well! Did you hear it Huh? Did ya Huh? Huh?  
  
Smith 1 pulls out his gun and shoots Smith 12 in the head.  
  
Smith 1: Bloody idiot.  
  
Merv has just gotten over the fact that Coldplay are not there when he looks up and notices all the Smiths  
  
Merv: Look Persephone! Look! See all those Smiths! You wanna know hat we could do with them?  
  
Persephone: *rolls her eyes* What my love?  
  
Merv: We could have an all night.  
  
Morph: ENOUGH!  
  
Seraph: *once again coming out of his meditation* Hey! Look! It's Elrond! What happened to your long girly hair? Now that look was hot!  
  
Smith 1: Well, I didn't want it cut, but Mum said I had to, You know, if I wanted to look evil and heartless and all.  
  
Seraph: Yeah, if feel your pain! The Oracle said the same to me too.  
  
Smith 1: Hmmmm..  
  
Trin: I don't have time for this shit! Merv, give me Neo now or I blow us all to Hell!  
  
Merv: But we are already in Hel!  
  
Smith 15: What? You mean The Matrix?  
  
Merv: No! My nightclub!  
  
Trin: No! I meant Hell!  
  
Merv: That's what I'm talking about!  
  
Trin: NO! H-E-L-L!  
  
Merv: But it's H-E-. hey Persephone? What comes after 'E'?  
  
Persephone: 'L'  
  
Merv: *looking very smug* -L!  
  
Morph: Mr. Merovingian, can we please have Neo? Please?  
  
Smih 14: Hey! We want Neo as well!  
  
Smith 17: I love Neo!  
  
Smith 1: Be careful, Ella might be listening!  
  
Smith 17: *Very loud and clear* I did not mean it in that way.  
  
Persephone: Morpheus! Are you all right?  
  
Morph: Yes. Why do you ask?  
  
Persephone: Well, you just looked a bit weary, that's all. *Does seductive eyelash thing*  
  
Morph: *Best deep voice* Hello!  
  
Morpheus and Persephone walk off.  
  
Trin: Where are Morpheus, and Persephone?  
  
Smith 1,2,14, 16: Do we care?  
  
Trin: No, I know that!  
  
All of a sudden, there is a massive CRASH and one of the walls cave in.  
  
Everyone looks over to see what it is except Seraph, who is to busy filing his nails.  
  
Sir Emilot: Never fear, Sir Emilot is here!  
  
Ella Elf: And her superior, Ella Elf!  
  
Merv: YAY! Santa! WOOHOO!  
  
Sir Emilot: No, I am not Santa, but Sir Emil-  
  
Ella Elf: Shut it! We know who you are!  
  
Sir Emilot: Hmmm.  
  
Ella Elf: Where is The. Merovingian?  
  
Merv: Over here! *starts waving his arms about in the air like a chimpanzee*  
  
Sir Emilot: Your Mummy wants you!  
  
Merv: Really?  
  
Sir Emilot: Yes!  
  
Merv skips off to Emilot and Ella's tank. They close the lid and decide to drive forward, destroying another wall.  
  
Smith 1: Okay. Trainman, give us Mr. Anderson, and no one gets hurt.  
  
Trainman: No! I will give you nothing! Nothing! Down here, I'm God!  
  
Smith 9: So am I. *Shoots trainman in his head*  
  
Smith 1: Nice work Smith.  
  
Smith 9: Thank you.  
  
Smith 1: You're welcome.  
  
Trin: I've had ENOUGH! First Morpheus disappears! Then Merv, now you *pokes Smith 9 in his chest* go and kill the trainman! What the hell is going on here?  
  
Neo walks through the door.  
  
Neo: Not much of a party.  
  
Trin: NEO!  
  
Persephone: Did some one say 'Neo'?  
  
Trin: Oh for f**k sake!  
  
Persephone: Neo! Would you like another kiss?  
  
Neo: All right.  
  
Trin: Neo!  
  
Neo: Sorry, ma'am.  
  
Trin: That's better.  
  
Trin, Neo and Seraph walk off.  
  
Smith 1: That's it! I'm going home to get some cookies.  
  
Smith 17: I likes cookies I do!  
  
Smith 16: Me too!  
  
And they all lived happily ever after, until the next chapter..  
  
I might do more, if anyone wants me to. just tell me and I will. I have nothing better to do. 


	2. The Oracle's kitchen

The Oracle's Kitchen  
  
This is also written in script *well, DUH.*  
  
Oracle: SMITHY! DINNER!  
  
Smith: Humph! COMING!  
  
Sati: Oracle, why do we use our hands?  
  
Oracle: Well Sati Honey, cookies need love like every thing does!  
  
Smith walks into the room.  
  
Smith: *taking the piss* Cookies need love like everything does!  
  
Oracle: Don't you go trying it on with me Young Man! Not after yesterday!  
  
Smith: *Does weird eyebrow thing* I only cloned !1! person, besides I was provoked!  
  
Oracle: Suuuuuure. And don't you do that weird eyebrow thing with me!  
  
Smith: Sorry, Mum!  
  
Oracle: *under her breath* You are a bastard Smith.  
  
Smith: *under his breath* You would know mum.  
  
Oracle: What was that?!  
  
Smith:Nothing.  
  
Sati: Are you the Oracle's son?  
  
Smith kneals down to Sati's hight.  
  
Smith: Well, in theory.  
  
Sati: The Oracle told me about you!  
  
Smith: Really? Well what did she say?  
  
Sati: She said that you were a little F****r!  
  
When Sati says that The Oracle drops all the plates she was holding and Smith, who was so shocked, falls forward and accidentally stabs his hand into Sati, thus, cloning her in to him!  
  
Oracle: SATI! Smithy! What have you DONE???!!!  
  
Smith: Ooops, sorry.  
  
Smith 2: Hello.  
  
Smith 1: Hello.  
  
Smith 2: You look strangely familiar.  
  
Smith 1: Hmmm, so do you.  
  
They both do their smiley thing and turn to the Oracle, who looks like she is about to cry.  
  
Oracle: 2, 2 Smiths?... Oh God..  
  
Smith 1: Well don't look so sad.  
  
Oracle *through tears* WHY?! I LOST SATI AND GOT YOU!!!  
  
Smith 2: *offended* Well! I don't think it's that bad.  
  
Oracle: Well, seeing as there is two of you, one can clean your room while the other eats dinner, Smithy 2, you're not hungry are you?  
  
Smith 2: No, but why do I have to clean the room I didn't make all the mess!  
  
Oracle: Clean your room!  
  
Smith 2: But.  
  
Oracle: Clean Your Room!  
  
Smith 2: But!  
  
Oracle: CLEAN THE GOD DAMN ROOM!  
  
Smith 2: Yes ma'am.  
  
Smith 2 goes off to clean the room while Smith 1 waits for his dinner.  
  
Smith 1: What's for dinner?  
  
Oracle: Dog food.  
  
Smith 1: YAY! Do I like dog food? What is dog food? Wait! Isn't that what they give you in Zion?!  
  
Oracle: You've been to Zion?!?!  
  
Smith 1: *thinking of Bane* Errr, no! I saw it in a film! Yeah a film!  
  
Oracle: *Somewhat sceptical* What film?  
  
Smith 1: Errr, The Matrix Reloaded!  
  
Oracle: Oh that!  
  
Smith 1: So is that what they really feed you in Zion?  
  
Oracle: We're not really eating dog food, it's cookie pie!  
  
Smith 1: Do you ever have anything to eat in this house other than friggin COOKIES?!  
  
Oracle: No. Why?  
  
Smith 1: Oh, no reason.  
  
The Oracle puts Smith's food down in front of him.  
  
Smith 1: Do I have to eat my vegetables?  
  
Oracle: Yes, and just remember, there are no veggies.  
  
Smith 1: But that means that there is no spoon! So, no spoon means I can't eat my veggies!  
  
Oracle: And that means you don't really be feeling the back of my hand against your head if you don't shut up!  
  
Smith begins to eat very slowly, then there is a knock at the door, Seraph walks in accompanied by Neo.  
  
Oracle: Hello Neo! My, you are looking awfully thin these days! Have a cookie!  
  
Neo: No, thank you.  
  
Oracle *through gritted teeth* Have-a-cookie!  
  
Neo: No, really, I'm alright.  
  
Smith 1: *whispers to Neo* Take the cookie!  
  
Oracle: I'm giving you one chance, take the cookie.  
  
Neo: I really don't-  
  
Oracle: TAKE THE GOD DAMN, FRIGGIN, BLOODY COOKIE ASSHOLE!  
  
Neo: *In a high girly voice* Okay.  
  
Neo takes the cookie and tries to eat it, but half way through starts to choke.  
  
Smith 1: *sniggers under his breath* loser.  
  
Oracle: OH MY! Neo! Here, drink this!  
  
Neo drinks the water, and starts to regain some of his colour.  
  
Neo: Thank you.  
  
Oracle: Any time. Now you just sit down, are you hungry? I'll get you some thing, I said it before, you look so thin I could snap you in half like a twig!  
  
Oracle: *Looking at Smith getting ideas* Oh no! Don't you start getting those ideas Mr. Big-Bad-Agent!  
  
Smith 1: I was only admiring how Neo can make a prat of him self so gracefully!  
  
Oracle: You're pushing your luck Mr!  
  
Smith 1: *To himself, looking at his food* What luck?  
  
Oracle: *ignoring Smith* Now, here, have some cookie pie, would you like candy with that?  
  
Smith 1: How come I didn't get candy with mine? You love Neo more than Me. *pouts*  
  
Oracle: That's right! Now, Neo, have some vegetables with that!  
  
Smith 1: Here! Have mine!  
  
Oracle: Smithy! To your room! NOW! And no dinner!  
  
Smith 1: YES! *starts humming 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts'  
  
Oracle: Now, Neo, why did you come here?  
  
Neo: I'm scared, I don't know what to do.  
  
Oracle: *Sighs* Do you believe in fate Neo?  
  
Neo: Well, I used to dismiss that idea, but since I met the Architect, my perceptions have changed, ergo, I cannot answer that question. Concurrently, it is seen that should know the answer. Alas I don't.  
  
Oracle: You really took in what the Architect said, didn't you Neo?  
  
Neo: Yes.  
  
Oracle: Hmmm. can we change the subject?  
  
Neo: Uh, sure.  
  
Oracle: WAIT! I can see it!  
  
Neo: See what?  
  
Oracle: Everything that has a beginning, has an end. I see the end coming, I see the darkness spreading, I see death. And you are all that stands in his way. If you cannot stop him tonight, then I fear that tomorrow may never come.  
  
Neo: Bill Gates.  
  
Oracle: Yes. You must believe Neo! You have the power, but you must believe!  
  
Neo: But what if I fail?  
  
Oracle: Then I fear that tomorrow may never come.  
  
Neo's phone starts to ring.  
  
Neo: Hello?  
  
Trinity is on the other line.  
  
Trin: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE ONLY GOING TO BE 5 MINUTES?! IT'S BEEN 6! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! IS THAT PERSEPHONE THERE??!!  
  
Neo: No love, I'm coming.  
  
Oracle: Go, or I fear that to-  
  
Neo: Okay, I get it.  
  
Oracle: Goodbye, Neo. Remember, believe.  
  
Neo smiles *OMG!* and walks off. Suddenly there is a massive CRASH!! And a lot of crying.  
  
Smith 1: MUUUUM! HE TOOK MY TOY!!  
  
Smith 2: I DID NOT!! I HAD IT FIRST!!!  
  
Smith 1: LIAR!!  
  
Smith 2: SHUT UP!!  
  
Oracle: Now both of you be quiet. I really do not care what happened, now bedtime!  
  
The Smiths start to get ready for bed. Once they are asleep, the Oracle walks down stairs and gets there just in time for Eastenders. She notices Seraph in meditation.  
  
Oracle: Seraph?  
  
Seraph: Yes, Oracle?  
  
Oracle: What will become of everything?  
  
Seraph: *who is clearly aggravated from his meditation being disturbed* How would I know? You're the Oracle!  
  
Oracle: Oh yeah!  
  
Seraph: Sad old lady..  
  
Oracle: What was that Seraph?  
  
Seraph: Nothing.  
  
The end.  
  
Remember, more reviews, more pointless, but funny, chapters. 


	3. The Zoo

The Zoo..  
  
Next time you go to the zoo, spare a thought for poor old Persephone.  
  
This one's about Persephone taking The Merovingian to the Zoo.....  
  
Merv: Persephone! Hurry! We might be late!  
  
Persephone: Late for what my love?  
  
Merv: The Zoo! Hurry!!!  
  
Persephone: How in the Hell can we be late for the Zoo if we are going next week?  
  
Merv: But what if the animals get bored? They might run away from the Zoo! Then what would I look at?  
  
Persephone: They won't.  
  
Merv: Why not?! I'm the Merovingian damn it!  
  
Persephone: Because I said so.  
  
Merv: Oh! That makes everything alright!  
  
Persephone: Now go and wash your hands, dinner is ready..  
  
A week later.....  
  
Persephone: YOU NAUGHTY BOY! I TOLD YOU TO STOP WETTING THE BED!!  
  
Merv: I'm ever so sorry...  
  
Persephone: Well then, go and wash your hands, have a bath and Brush your teeth, then we MIGHT go.  
  
Merv: *chanting* Wash hands, Brush teeth and have a bath!  
  
Persephone: Idiot...  
  
Five hours later....  
  
Persephone: have you done everything?  
  
Merv: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssss.  
  
Persephone: Good, can you dress you self?  
  
Merv: *really proudly* Yup!  
  
Persephone: Gooood, hurry up or we won't go.  
  
Merv: 'Kay  
  
Two hours later Merv comes out of his room wearing his trousers on the wrong way around, his shirt inside out and a sock on his ear...  
  
Persephone: I give up!  
  
Merv: you give up on what? Me?  
  
Persephone: *Runs up to him and quickly fixes him up* There!  
  
They are FINALLY going to the Zoo. They are in the car....  
  
Merv: Are we there yet?  
  
Twin 1: No.  
  
Merv: Are we there yet?  
  
Twin 2: No.  
  
Merv: Are we-  
  
Persephone: NOOOOOO! *Punches him*  
  
Twin 1: Good work love,  
  
Persephone: Thank you,  
  
Twin 1: You're welcome *winks*  
  
When they arrive Merv just wakes up.  
  
Merv: Are we there-sorry...  
  
Persephone: Yes we are.  
  
Merv: Good!  
  
Twin 1: We'll be out in the parking lot-  
  
Twin 2: Scaring little kids-  
  
Twin 1: And smoking peculiar combinations of herbs and sugars.  
  
Twin 2: Yes, and did we mention scaring little kiddies?  
  
Merv: I WANNA GO SEE THE BABOONS!  
  
Twin 1: Just take him, 'Sephone.  
  
Persephone: Yes, well, good bye.  
  
Twins in Unison: Latter.  
  
Merv runs off to the Monkey cages.  
  
Merv: Look Persephone! In that cage! It's.... Sir Emilot! *que thunder and lightning*  
  
Sir Emilot: YES! IT IS I! SIR EMILOT!  
  
Persephone: What the Hell are you doing in there?  
  
Sir Emilot: Well, there is a secret organisation known as 'The Idiot Revolutions Haters' run by this freak called who calls him/herself 'Twemlow'. These losers hate The Matrix Revolutions and ambushed me and Ella Elf, Ella, being the intelligent one managed to get away from the paper bag trap and went to warn Planet Hobo that there was a bunch of Bumbos out to get us, 'Twemlow' caught me and locked me up here, I'm still waiting for Ella to send Agent Smith down to help me, but he hasn't come yet...  
  
By the time Sir Emilot has finished speaking Merv has dragged Persephone off to eat.  
  
Sir Emilot: HEY! IF you're still interested, check out - hobo.freehomepage.com!!!!  
  
Merv and Persephone had finished eating.  
  
Merv: Let's go and look at the Lions!  
  
Persephone: Sure.  
  
At the Lion place....  
  
Merv: Pretty Lions ..  
  
Persephone stops looking at Merv because she notices Seraph standing all by himself at the corner of the butterfly house.  
  
Persephone: Hello Seraph.  
  
Seraph: Hello Persephone.  
  
Persephone: Good, and you?  
  
Seraph: Alright. What are you doing at the Zoo?  
  
Persephone: I had to take Merv. I don't like it here anyways.  
  
Seraph: Have you seen Neo lately?  
  
Persephone: No.  
  
Seraph: Groovy. That Trinity wants your code you know..  
  
Persephone: Sure she does, everyone wants a piece of MY code *winks*.  
  
Seraph: HEY! Is that Merv and Neo kis-  
  
Persephone: WHERE?!?!  
  
Seraph runs off and Persephone is left all by herself.  
  
Zoo keeper: Hey Lady?  
  
Persephone: Yes....  
  
Zoo keeper: Is this your husband *holds up an eyeball and some pink underwear*  
  
Persephone: Damn!  
  
The Zoo keeper hands her what is left of The Merovingian and toddles off. Persephone is now walking back to her car and The Twins.  
  
Persephone: Hmmm, the problem is choice.....  
  
Twin 1: What was that?  
  
Persephone: Nothing...  
  
Twin 2: Sure *winks*.  
  
I'm sure you can guess the ending as this is Persephone we're talking about. I'm sorry if this was crap, I might re-do this at some point if all you lovely people want me to... 


End file.
